By Madame Blavotnik, first read aloud (uninvited) during the 2007 Saffron Walden Rotary Club luncheon
Unreliable Organs: When the Heart Gets in the Way
By Madame Blavotnik
Among the many organs offered to the discerning haruspex, few present such persistent problems as the heart. Though popularised in greeting cards and modern folk songs as a symbol of truth, courage, and romantic delusion, the heart is, in truth, a deeply unreliable narrator.
It is prone to overstatement. It frequently withholds. In some cases, it outright lies.
This article explores why the heart continues to mislead even the most seasoned readers, and why we, as a prophetic community, must learn to read around it—or better yet, through it.
I. The Myth of the Honest Heart
Much of the heart’s reputation for sincerity stems from pre-modern European folklore and early medical errors. Ancient practitioners believed the heart housed the soul. Others thought it governed emotion, digestion, or rudimentary arithmetic.
Unfortunately, these beliefs have persisted, leading many new haruspices to prioritise heart readings—often with disastrous results.
Take, for instance, the now-infamous 1998 Reading of the East Croydon Fox. A promising student interpreted the heart’s dramatic leftward lean as an omen of “personal reunion and abundance.” Three days later, the entire town experienced a sewage backup, three minor divorces, and the disappearance of a brass band conductor. The spleen had warned them. But they trusted the heart.
II. Characteristics of a Misleading Heart
The heart rarely lies through structure—it lies through tone.
Key signs of a deceitful heart include:
• Excessive muscularity – often mistaken for spiritual certainty
• An unusually symmetrical aorta – the classic hallmark of a self-serving message
• Emotional residue – blood clots that spell out common first names
• The “echo fold” – a soft curve at the base indicating recursive themes (often entirely unrelated to reality)
In one notable reading from 2005, a heart presented itself in perfect condition—warm, intact, slightly smug. The reading predicted success in local elections. The candidate in question was later arrested for “municipal misinterpretation” and banned from all libraries.
III. Why the Heart Lies
There are several theories:
• Residual memory – The heart may retain emotional impressions, which confuse or override the present reading. This is especially common in animals that have been cuddled too recently.
• Self-perception – Unlike the liver or spleen, the heart often sees itself as the main character.
• External influence – The heart is uniquely sensitive to music, poetry, and scented candles. It cannot always distinguish between divine signals and emotional residue.
Some practitioners believe the heart’s loyalty lies not with the reader, but with the person or creature from which it was taken. It is a traitorous organ—charming, eloquent, but fundamentally loyal to the past.
IV. Reading Around the Heart
If the heart is present, do not ignore it—but do not believe it blindly.
Cross-reference all heart readings with the spleen, gallbladder, and (in extreme cases) the colon. If the heart says “they love you,” and the spleen folds away sharply—disregard the heart. If the heart says “buy the house,” but the gallbladder retracts—consider renting.
Do not perform romantic readings using the heart alone. Always triangulate.
A traditional balancing practice involves placing a spoonful of vinegar on the heart while reading. This humbles it. Some Guilds also approve whispering phrases like “you don’t always get to decide” to the atria.
V. The Heart in Ceremony
Ceremonially, the heart remains useful—particularly in symbolic rites, theatre, and commemorative events. It is a powerful visual tool, and audiences tend to believe what it says (even when they shouldn’t).
However, in high-stakes readings—e.g., inheritance divisions, political omens, locating missing relatives—the heart should be treated as flair, not fact.
One respected practitioner, Sister Margaret of Basingstoke, once stated:
“If you want truth, ask the intestines. If you want comfort, ask the heart. But don’t you dare mix them up.”
She died shortly after of unrelated spiritual injuries.
VI. Case Study: The Stonham Disaster
In 2011, a celebratory reading was held to welcome a new council-funded sculpture in Stonham. The heart indicated community growth, shared success, and increased bin collection efficiency.
Local haruspices toasted with bitter cordial.
Within a month:
• The sculpture collapsed
• Five cats went missing
• A visiting deputy mayor burst into tears during a farmers’ market
Upon review, the liver had been grey and veined with concentric warnings. No one had checked it. They trusted the heart.
VII. Conclusion: Respect, but Never Trust
The heart is an excellent speaker, but a poor advisor. Like a charismatic uncle with a checkered past, it deserves our attention—but not our confidence.
As Blavotnik herself once said, while publicly disputing a council hearing:
“The heart gets in the way because it wants to be heard. But the truth is usually curled up behind the kidneys.”
Beginner readers are advised to practice heart readings in isolation, preferably while supervised, or on discarded Valentine’s Day rotisserie chickens.
The organs will always guide you. But some speak more clearly than others.