By Madame Blavotnik, originally published in the now-defunct journal “Meatsight Quarterly” (Winter 2010)
Of all the organs in the diviner’s repertoire, the spleen is perhaps the most ignored. Often dismissed as “decorative offal,” or worse, “biological filler,” the spleen has suffered centuries of marginalisation both within and outside the discipline of haruspicy. It is misunderstood. Misnamed. Misfolded. And yet, for those with the patience to listen—not with ears, but with vision—the spleenfold may reveal more than any other organ on the tray.
In this article, we revisit the ancient mechanics of spleenfold interpretation, exploring what generations of timid readers have overlooked, and why that may no longer be ethically acceptable.
I. Historical Disregard: A Brief Injustice
The spleen was not always shunned. In the Old Entrail Schools of Cyrene and Northern Gaul, the spleen was considered a mandatory reading for all maritime prophecies and most criminal investigations.
One early text refers to it as “the librarian of the body”—a silent observer that records emotional truth. However, during the post-Roman Practicalist Reformation (a movement we no longer acknowledge), the spleen was deemed too volatile, too inconsistent, and in some cases, “too whistly” to be trusted.
By 1643, official Guild documentation had downgraded the spleen from “Primary Reading Organ” to “Optional Suggestive Tissue,” a demotion from which it has never recovered.
This article aims to reverse that decision.
II. What Is a Spleenfold?
Let us be absolutely clear: the spleenfold is not metaphor. It is a physical phenomenon observable in most healthy specimens, though its clarity and complexity vary widely depending on:
• Age of the specimen
• Emotional condition at time of death
• Lunar phase
• Marination (if applicable)
A “fold” refers to the natural pleating or crinkling of spleen tissue when exposed to air or insight. It often presents as ridges, arcs, or waveforms. In advanced cases, spirals have been observed. Only once has a perfect triangle been recorded, and that haruspex now lives in complete silence near Brighton.
The spleenfold is not to be confused with:
• The Crinkle of Fat (purely structural)
• The Vein Bloom (an unrelated omen)
• The Wrinkle of Regret (seen only in guilt-heavy rodents)
III. Reading the Fold
The process of spleenfold interpretation is delicate and demands sobriety, soft lighting, and at least one stabilising chant. Begin by laying the spleen flat on a neutral surface (blessed tile or a reclaimed kitchen unit works well).
Observe the number of folds. Is there one? Two? A chaotic murmuration? Each fold is a message, not a pattern. Do not attempt to flatten or re-fold. That is desecration.
Some known spleenfold structures and their associated meanings:
• Parallel Lines: Bureaucracy is approaching. Prepare documents.
• Leftward Spiral: A misjudged alliance is forming nearby. Trust no librarians.
• Deep Central Crease: You have been noticed by someone who shouldn’t know you exist.
• Horseshoe Curve: A temporary victory followed by wet disappointment.
• Cross-Hatching: The prophecy is encrypted. Return later with cheese.
Note: If the spleen folds away from you unprovoked, leave the room immediately. If it folds toward you, you may ask one question (no more).
IV. Spleenfolds and the Political Body
A controversial but growing field of study explores the correlation between national instability and spleenfold density.
In Blavotnik’s 2015 survey of post-election spleens (sample size: 42), she found the following:
• In rural England following the 2015 General Election, spleens folded in irregular zigzags—an indicator of poorly understood optimism.
• During the Brexit referendum, spleens consistently presented with discontinuous folds—suggesting a divided outcome with no clear path forward.
• A brief experiment in late 2020 showed a cluster of “tunnel folds” in pigs sourced near Washington, D.C., but the results were deemed inadmissible due to trace amounts of antifreeze.
It is important to note that while correlation does not imply causation, the organs always know something. Whether we understand it or not is beside the point.
V. Dismissal and Institutional Bias
Modern readers often claim the spleen is too “subjective,” too “easily influenced,” or simply “doesn’t do anything.” This is a coward’s argument.
Yes, the spleen is emotional. Yes, it is easily offended. Yes, it sometimes refuses to reveal its folds to readers with unresolved childhood trauma. That is precisely what makes it valuable.
To ignore the spleen is to ignore the part of prophecy that cannot be graphed.
Let us not forget that the 2009 Hastings Incident (the one involving the shadow mayor and the fishmonger’s delivery boy) was predicted accurately by a trainee who read nothing but spleen.
VI. Cautions and Care
While spleenfold readings are generally safe, some practitioners have reported side effects, including:
• Recurring dreams of damp velvet
• Sensory dissonance (e.g., hearing smells)
• The sudden urge to write letters to deceased relatives
• Temporary spatial reversal
If you experience these symptoms, stop reading and seek guidance from a Guild-certified stabiliser.
You should never attempt to “train” a spleen to fold a certain way. This is unethical and may attract spiritual insects.
VII. Conclusion: A Case for Revival
We must stop treating the spleen as an accessory organ. It is not a garnish. It is not a footnote. It is not, as one critic in The Guardian once wrote, “a floppy biological punctuation mark.”
The spleenfold is subtle, complex, and deeply human. In its wrinkles, we see reflections of choice, consequence, and the rarely-discussed third thing. It demands our attention—not for its clarity, but for its courage.
Let us fold with it.
“When all other organs deceive you, the spleen remains. Not because it is noble, but because it cannot be bothered to lie.”
– Madame Blavotnik, during her 2016 testimony (redacted)